Parallel Universe

You know, I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m living in a parallel universe.

Not figuratively. Literally.

Because in the universe I live in, everything costs more.

Food costs more.
Gas costs more.
Utilities cost more.
Healthcare costs more.

Hell, I walked into a grocery store the other day with a hundred dollars and walked out with a receipt and an apology.

Meanwhile, I turn on the television and apparently we’re living in the greatest economy in the history of mankind.

Everything is fantastic.

America has never been stronger.

And I’m thinking, “Are we in the same country?”

Because in my America, I just paid thirty five dollars for a sandwich and and a bottle of water at the airport.

Thirty five dollars!

At that point, you’re not buying lunch.

You’re investing in infrastructure.

And politicians always do this.

They’ll stand up there with charts.

“We’ve added jobs!”

Great.

Can one of those jobs help me pay for eggs?

Because eggs have become a luxury item.

I walked by the egg section the other day and there was a security guard standing there.

Not really, but it felt like there should have been.

You don’t buy eggs anymore.

You apply for them.

“Sir, do you have proof of income?”

And don’t get me started on healthcare.

Healthcare isn’t healthcare anymore.

Healthcare is a hostage situation.

You walk into the hospital with a sore throat and leave owing the GDP of a small European nation.

Then six months later, a bill arrives.

No explanation.

Just a number.

A number so large you don’t even get mad.

You become curious.

“Wow. I didn’t know medicine could cost the same as a bass boat.”

And then gasoline.

I love when politicians brag that gas prices have fallen five cents.

Five cents!

They act like they stormed the beaches of Normandy.

“America! We did it!”

Buddy, it still costs eighty dollars to fill my tank.

At this point, I don’t drive places.

I make strategic military deployments.

“Do we really need to go to Target, honey? That’s a two-quarter tank operation.”

And yet every night I turn on the news and somebody’s telling me this is the greatest economy in American history.

At some point, I realized what’s happened.

We’re all living in parallel universes.

There’s the universe where politicians live, with GDP charts, stock market indexes, and PowerPoint presentations.

And then there’s the universe the rest of us live in.

The one where you’re standing in your kitchen at midnight asking yourself:

“Do we really need air conditioning… or can we just become a family that sweats?”

I don’t even need America to be great again.

At this point, I’d settle for America being reasonably affordable by Labor Day.