So, I’ve come to the realization that I’m currently living through both the best and the worst time of my life.
Which, by the way, is a very confusing thing to tell your therapist.
They ask, “How are you doing?”
And I’m like, “Fantastic. Also devastating. I am simultaneously thriving and ruining everything.”
At 69 years old, I’ve finally figured out who I am.
You know how people always say, “Just be yourself”?
Well, that’s easy advice when you’re 22.
At 22, yourself is basically: “I like beer, I own a lava lamp, and I think this relationship with a woman named Crystal is going somewhere.”
At 69, being yourself is a much bigger commitment.
Because now I’ve become exactly who I want to be.
I started a political party.
I do stand-up comedy.
I write songs.
I make videos.
I post on social media.
Basically, I’ve become the person my family was always afraid I would become.
My family doesn’t even ask what I’m doing anymore.
They ask each other.
“Has anybody heard from John?”
“Well, he uploaded a song about campaign finance reform and then did a five-minute bit about the collapse of representative democracy.”
“Okay, so he’s alive.”
I mean, imagine being my children.
“Dad, what are you doing in retirement?”
“Oh, not much. Just trying to fundamentally restructure Western democracy.”
You know what retired people are supposed to do?
Golf.
Cruises.
Complain about the thermostat.
Not launch a political movement and start doing open mic comedy.
My family wanted me to buy a Corvette.
Instead, I bought domain names.
And the weird thing is, I know this has cost me relationships.
I know it.
There are moments when I sit there and think, “Is this worth it?”
Because humans are tribal creatures.
We want approval.
We want our families to say, “We’re proud of you.”
Instead, I think my family has started treating me like a relative who joined a traveling circus.
“Oh yes, that’s Uncle John. He travels around explaining tax policy through interpretive musical theater.”
But then I ask myself another question:
If you believe something is good…
If you genuinely think it could help people…
And if you’re lucky enough to wake up one day and realize who you actually are…
What exactly are you supposed to do?
Just… stop?
Go back to watching cable news and yelling at the television?
No.
Because here’s what I’ve learned at 69:
The worst thing isn’t losing.
The worst thing isn’t failing.
The worst thing is getting to the end of your life and realizing you had an idea, you had a voice, you had a chance to try to make things better…
…and you decided to spend your time reorganizing the garage.
So yes.
This is the best time of my life.
And it’s also the worst time of my life.
Which, coincidentally, is exactly how I describe the United States right now. Thank you, everybody. 🎤
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